"The confusion I'm feeling , Ain't no tongue can tell." "With God on Our Side" Bobby Dylan
I used to play the stringed bass . I left the wrestling team in 1962 to work into the wee hours to my coaches chagrin as I had won all my matches except one in my junior year and the one guy I lost to graduated that year and also won the State championship. Wrestling was a one on one sport , something that was never as popular as football or the other high school sports and really didn't hit it's zenith till fairly recent years with the advent of mixed Marshall arts tournaments . Wrestling took a lot of time . We had to work out every night and sometimes it was hard to make the weight limit but the discipline brought strong will power . Working and making money in my senior year around town brought to fruition some of the dreams I had dreamed since I was about twelve of playing music for a living.Leaving wrestling seemed easy yet I have had second thoughts as my life in music has been a life of sacrifices as well as adventures.Second guessing and "The grass is always greener.." somewhere else never really helps and the time machine has yet to be created from fantasy to reality which might allow a second chance at anything , any decision set in stone in history .
My senior year was one of barely getting by . I , like most young men , was deep into the conflicts of a teenager , wanting to belong as well as wanting to become independent . I was in the throws of being directed and yet coping with the idea of making my own decisions and taking responsibilities . I was young in my collection of mistakes . My visions didn't fit with my family's idea of me and what I was supposed to be .My high school girlfriend had bought her fathers tears about me not being "Jewish" and fell for the entire program which included me not going to her brother's Bar Mitzvah . This seemingly small moment in my history came back years later when I realised that this was a betrayal and a separation , the first in many others that got easier and more frequent over time . I had a catharsis , an urge to separate from everything that was my life and what seemed to be in the future. I was lucky that I actually graduated from high school and left a week later for Los Angeles to find my father . While I had a lot in common with my father , I found that he also had designs on my life and he was affected by his current wife's jealousy of me . Though I had enrolled in college over the summer , my father informed me that he was going to send me back East . It was then that I walked out and found a place to live in Hollywood even before I started the college school year . I had crossed the Rubicon and there was no going back at eighteen.
A lot of years have gone by since 1963 yet that year's insecurities continues to this day . The stringed bass was left behind like the wrestling though I kept looking over my shoulder , wondering ,"What if ?" Chance has played an enormous part in everything.I have bounced and improvised at pivotal points with the basic instincts of a small animal trying to survive . I have been very fortunate along the way yet I still have to improvise and , while I see others accumulating wealth, family , and friends , there is little for me to cling to . Possessions are the toys of the past , the instruments and equipment I have used that are lined on every wall , in the closets , under the bed , and under foot .Yesterday I wondered what would become of my stringed bass if I don't have a place to store it much less to play it .It is only the tip of the musical iceberg and insecurities I face as I continue to age .The truth of the matter is that I am not alone in this life of insecurities and no insurance,or assurances any more than I am alone in the credit card debt I have accumulated.In the end , we all must face our responsibilities alone , and face the world we made for ourselves , good and bad. We have equality as human beings when the days get shorter and there is no insurance or assurance of anything for anyone,rich or poor.Those rich people who have already passed on ,including my own friends , couldn't buy another moment.There were a lot of "good" people who did the "right thing" and karma seemed to fail them . They may not be forgotten but the rest of us have to move on and find our good feelings again , rediscover our current dreams , and press forward and face tomorrow like we did yesterday as if there is no tomorrow.
