The "Leader" ( from an email to Carol)

I feel like I played everywhere in NJ from NY down to Bricktown . That was a hint of what I would get into later in my independence from "Bands" as I hired musicians and traveled about . At this time I have no illusions of friendship with other musicians or men . Since the death of my oldest friend , Len , in 2003 ( we played together for 45 yrs ), I have found that you can't replace whatever that is in spite of years of knowing people . I think that in hiring people ,perhaps , as the leader I might put myself into a position of never really getting too close but I can't really be sure . I know that ,long ago , when I worked as a sideman , there was a separation . I thought that the leader was often the weakest link and the biggest asshole . Now, I have become the monster at least on paper .
I woke up yesterday and thought of that Paul Simon song , "Homeward Bound" , the lyrics spinning around my head ,".... a poet and a one man band....." . I did continue as a one man band , knocking on doors , opening doors to music but those days are as gone as the days when there were so many musicians traveling around the country playing . There just aren't any places that support musicians coming in like the "Holiday Inn" type circuit of the past,if that was what it was . Actually , we stayed and played in a lot of different type hotels, motels , and venues . I suppose the young people can afford to go out and waste time and money playing for nothing , traveling , and seeing the country but the business aspect seems gone . It isn't that the big acts or big scenes aren't there like County Fairs or big tours to arenas but , after all , that big show scene is also kind of limited .
I bought a guitar to entertain myself on the road when I was playing the stringed bass and brass instruments with a show band in 1964 . Hearing Bobby Dylan back then , I imagined that I could sing too and started writing little tunes . It wasn't long before I was performing with the band using my classical guitar . I remember singing a bossa nova and forgetting the lyrics and the scene turning into a comedy bit . It did work out pretty good but I didn't want to be a comic and the actual material I was writing was too serious for the show band I was working with . Today , I could see the leader of that band as a conservative republican . He sang , told jokes , schmoozed with the money people , and maintained a good political position with the booking agency (ABC Talent ).My material about getting out of Viet Nam wouldn't be something that they would speak about openly . I had some good moments playing the stringed bass but , then again , I found myself dropping it to the stage as I walked off , too .
Switching to the guitar didn't really bring me much relief as I was very unhappy repeating everything with the lame musicians that were in rock and roll and folk music . Most of those bands did the same tunes night after night . They were an act . I changed everything every night yet I was stuck with the same tunes . I played different solos every night but those same tunes , the same lyrics , the same beat were overwhelming and worse than the show band deal .
Now I have to re-invent myself every time I go out . Last summer I changed every time I went out featuring myself on guitar , piano , and sometimes singing . In the New Jersey days I had different bands every night , hiring different guys or going through scenes almost every night . It was terrible yet an adventure . I suppose this is why I am where I am right now with it all or why I have to make up a new show all the time . The thing is that I just play . I am happy playing , improvising . There is no reason for me to expect anything from anyone because I wouldn't be happy taking work in the normal sense of a sideman , anyway . I take the initiative and I am the leader but I am not the weakest link. Yea yea...well, I hope my sidemen don't see me as the weakest link .They well might see me as an asshole . Damn ! It's the nature of the beast .